June 14, 2011

A Year has Passed....

I pull the shroud of sadness snug over my shoulders one more night. One more night I let it probe me, touch me, try to destroy and devastate me.

Experiencing an incredible deep melancholy, black and dark and deploring this year.

But then there are those moments. There are those flickering diamonds in the grass early in the morning when the day is cool and new. There are those moments of extreme hope and feeling the goodness of some people. They are out there. There are deeply caring, genuine and real creatures. There are creatures so full of love and compassion and selflessness they make one believe in something undefined, but very special. We want to surround ourselves with those people. We want to BE one of those people.

There are those moments, when it feels like those we have lost send us signs. Signs we have to be good and open, to receive and to see. Like when a single, lone turkey runs out on the dirt road in front of us, alone and in advance of Turkey season, a loved ones favorite time of year. Or when we beg for you to stop the rain, just for a second so we can make it home safely, and it suddenly stops raining just for a second. Or when the yellow rose you planted for Mom, blooms red on Mother’s Day. How can we ignore those special moments sent to us?

Mostly there is also the realization and acceptance that we are alone. And it is okay that we are alone. And in our being alone, we try to find our own good, our own internal love and deep spirituality. We know that this is what sustains us. Faith that everything is going somewhere, that life is constant and continuous. We experience faith and hope that we are all energy, and that we will continue our journey together one day. And that journey will be without shrouds, and without great sadness, without loss, without grief. Our continuing journey will be without pain.

But for tonight, on the eve of a great loss, I am allowed to pull the shroud of sadness over myself once more. I pour salt on this wound, and I touch this terrible hole that is my heart. A hole that cannot be filled that was left last year, at 1:36 am on June 15th, 2011 when you went on without us. You continued your journey and we stayed behind, alone.

June 15th is forever a day to honor your travels, and mourn our loss, and contemplate being alone. And then to move ahead and consider our looming journey.

We miss you every single day, and we love you for the rest of our lives...it's as simple as that.